Day 117

Last night was a disaster, Miks. What do I do, my girl? After 3 hours of you crying, and ALL methods exhausted... WHAT DO I DO? I feel like a useless mother. I can't even console my own child!

And all I get is "sorry". Fat load of good "sorry" does. Sorry doesn't change your prognosis. Sorry doesn't hold my hand while I am crying because my daughter won't stop crying and I am so useless I can't do anything to help it. Sorry doesn't stop you from consistently possetting up all your food. Sorry doesn't make your muscles relax so changing your nappy is a little easier. Sorry doesn't give me strength when I feel like I JUST WANT OUT! AND I DO! I REALLY DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS ANYMORE. You shouldn't be like this. You were supposed to be healthy. We had the tests for crying out loud. I was told you were fine. And you're NOT! I love you so much... but I want to take this cup from you. I want to help you. And I can't. No pill. No special machines. No drug. NOTHING.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!! THIS IS SO FLIPPING WRONG!

I hear about prayers being answered, and about God sometimes not giving us what we desire, because maybe He has better plans in store for us. What could be better for you? For me? I am sick of all of this. Really.

On a reasoning side, I understand certain things. But on the emotional side this really does take it's toll on me... and you!? What about the toll on you? And that's what freaks me out.

There are times you're so lucid, and almost engaged. And then other times it's like we're not even there.

Why did this happen? I don't understand why you ended up like this? Why did you get the 1 in 6000? And I know I will never get the answer to that question. I know also that it had to be someone... so why not me? And why not you? But the flip side is also WHY you?? You deserved a chance just like everybody else. And you were screwed.

Honestly, there are days when I feel like the whole of Heaven is just standing up there laughing at me. Look at you! You're so useless! You're a pathetic mother! And ha ha! Look at you Mikayla! We'll just let you suffer a little longer! I mean, why not! Ha ha!

Well ha bloody ha. I am having a huge sense of humor failure!