Days 274-278 The night before

So tomorrow is the big day, Miks. We go in for your op.

*sigh*

I am not sure how I feel about it all... firstly I guess I am horrified at the fact that the op is only at 9am, but you are allowed no food after 4am, and from 4am to 7am you're only allowed clear liquid, and then the last 2 hours before the op, you're allowed no liquids whatsoever. In part, I cannot think beyond that. At the best of times you are inconsolable... but you're going to be hungry, thirsty, and inconsolable... argh! I can feel my heart racing already at the thought. The sound of you crying sends me into such a fluster! I am really concerned that those few hours are going to be HORRIBLE!

You certainly have given us reason to want this op though.... the last couple of nights. Last night you cried for almost 2 hours, the last hour you were absolutely hysterical! So was I! There we were, mother and daughter, rocking away, both crying our eyes out! Not a pretty sight! Your nights have just gone pear shaped... it seems all good, until around the late night feed... and you feed ok, but just cry and moan and cry. Your Daddy and I are pretty finished... I love you dearly, but frankly, this is getting ridiculous... I am battling to function, let alone keep my sanity.

I know I am hoping for a small (or maybe BIG) miracle: but I am really hoping the g-tube will help with your contentment and therefore ours. I cannot understand how, while perhaps you're not always really unhappy (as in crying), you're certainly not content... it suggests that something is wrong, and I guess the only way to try find that something is by a process of elimination. So the g-tube will hopefully help eliminate the issue of getting sufficient nutrients and liquids. I realise it may present us with a whole plethora of other problems... for example, the surgeon said that it will make your reflux worse, so he will be prescribing medicine for this... but, perhaps it won't. And unless we try, we'll never know.

I am not sure what to expect. I feel terrible that I am going to let them cut you... you're a tiny, delicate little thing... I just feel horrid about it... but I also understand that I am primarily doing it for you (with the offset that hopefully we'll also benefit from it). Perhaps I am not thinking about it too much... and then, if I think about that, it worries me that perhaps I am being a bit blase about it? *sigh*sigh*sigh*

I want to say so much to you. I wish you could understand all that I have to say. Just know that I love you. Very much. And I'll be waiting in the waiting room for you when you come out.

Love your mommy