"Mickey Blue Eyes"I think we've settled into a place of acceptance. Certainly, I think I have. Intellectually I know and understand that you are what you are. Your "condition" is what it is. And no amount of tears is going to reverse this reality. I'm not saying it doesn't still hurt. It does. A lot. I would still change this, if I had the capacity to do so. But when you realise that your life isn't always controllable, and sometimes our lives are simply a product of our experiences. A culmination of internal and external influences... making up who we are, and who we become, one moment at a time.
Of course, I also believe in an overall plan... governed by a good and gracious God who does love us, even when our experiences don't seem to mirror that love. And that has always been the most difficult pill to swallow, for me, was trying to understand why this hurt was being allowed in our lives by God. But, as I say, I think I am slowly learning to accept things for what they are. To embrace today, today, because I cannot change yesterday, and I cannot predict tomorrow. Looking forwards and backwards at the same time, is quite simply going to give me whiplash, and I can't be dealing with that :)
I haven't weighed you recently, but you certainly are looking healthier, and happier. You've been eating cereal once a day for the last week (only 2-3 teaspoons, but you're tolerating it- even enjoying it- and that's all that matters). We started you on fruit today. You had 3 teaspoons, and also enjoyed it... bananas :)... Height of laziness on my part, because it's just the bottled stuff... but it was available... you were willing.... so why not?!
We still haven't sorted out your nights. I confess to being somewhat lazy about it.... it requires us giving you a top up between 8&10pm, which we're not doing.... so it's self inflicted... so technically I shouldn't complain... but last night Daddy fed you at around 10pm, and then you woke at 2:30am, and again at 3:30 and again at 4:30am (all me)... and every time you'd only eat some of your bottle, and then spit it out... and THEN... YOU CHEEKY LITTLE SOD, you get all cute and gurgly!!!?? Well, sorry, but even though it's super duper cute... you have GOT TO stop... seriously, cute and gurgly isn't THAT cute and gurgly at 4am! Especially not when it's 3 times in three hours. You little RAT!
And cute you are at the moment. I wish I could capture more of your cuteness... sometimes the videos do you little justice... but you're "talking" every now and again, and you're really smiley. You particularly love smiling at Daddy...although if he's holding you, and I say anything, you do look for me (it's nice to feel loved).
We've moved all you kids around, and you're now in the big room, awaiting a cot for your little brother or sister to join you. I hope it's the right decision... we think so. The boys are DELIGHTED with the move, because I've moved them back into their "old" rooms... and they're chuffed to no end about that. It's true what they say: a change is as good as a holiday!
The only not good thing that's happened is that three nights this week you have woken up SCREAMING. When I get to you, it's like you've had a blocked nose, and haven't been able to breath. Your skin is a horrible complexion, and you're really fretful... quite inconsolable, actually. But the strange thing is that I can hear that you are able to breath, and yet you continue to cry despite this. Like you're in pain? I'm not sure. It's quite scary. On Sunday night, it was so bad, you were actually retching! Don't know why or what? at first I thought it was just a blocked nose, but normally when that happens, when I get to you, the force of "trying to breath" has actually forced all the snot (and some vomit) out your nose... making it quite obvious. So now I am thinking perhaps an Apnea? Perhaps something hurting? Argh! I don't know... that's the problem. Anyway, it hasn't happened since Sunday... so hopefully it won't happen again?
Anyway, this little video is quite sweet: I love the little double jointed finger in your mouth... "the thinking pose".... really sweet. And that yawn! Man, it's cute :)
Your Dad and I... we just love you so much. So wish I could have seen him walk you down the aisle one day.... I've always pictured that moment.... and it's those things that make me sad. We celebrate small milestones of their own enormity... *sigh*.... but still :(
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