Wondering

I am sitting here alone. Just wondering.

Wondering how you are?
Are you happy?
Do you have a little window from heaven that you can see?
Can you see the hole in my heart?

Wondering if I did enough?
Wondering why God decided it was your time to go?
Wasn't I being a good enough mum for you?

Wondering why God chose us?
Why you chose us?
If we were chosen at all?

Wondering how to let go of my daughter?
The daughter I always wanted.
The daughter I had.
The daughter I'll never have.

Wondering how to live each day being a mother who lost a child.
Wondering if I have a big sign on my head that says so?
Wondering if anyone even cares?

Wondering how when Jude's friends come to play, and their mothers ask about the sweet baby girl on my wall, how to explain to them your story on a 15-minute afternoon visit.

Wondering how I will get to tell people about you.

I don't want to stop talking about you!
Wondering if that's some sad way of trying to "keep you alive"

Wondering about that sweet little girl I saw in my dreams 3 or so years ago.
Was it you?

Do you miss us Miks, like we miss you? Or are you relieved?

Wondering how in an instant everything that we knew to be true in our world, could flip 180... when you were born, and again when you died.

I feel this strange sense of emptiness that I can't quite explain.
I am sad, but fine. Really fine.
But who I am just isn't quite bubbling to the top. Did you take the froth off the cuppachino that is me, when you flew up to heaven?

Wondering if I will ever be the same again?

Thinking I won't.

Thinking your arrival changed me for the better. Your departure changed me again. This time, I'm not sure how.

I hear you all the time, even though I know you're not here.

The me that I thought I would be. She's not me, and I am not she.

I have such a happy and fulfilling life. But I have two huge holes in my heart. That will never be filled.
That makes me sad.
Very sad.

I miss you, Mikayla. Every day. Always.

Wondering if you miss me too?