Counting down

I love this time of year. It's the smell in the air. It's not too hot, but not too cold. The grass is still green, and the air fresh. And it's my birthday month, which may have something to do with it. 

But it's also your birthday. 

Your second birthday is coming. And you're not here to celebrate with us. A birthday. The day of your birth. I will never forget the day you were born. As long as I live. As I countdown to your birthday, I am a mix of emotions. Joy, as my life is so wonderful in so many ways. My blessings too many to count. But sad. Sick to the stomach. How will it feel to know it's your special day, but that you're not here in my arms? Oh! To see you smile again! And your eyes. How I wish I could look into those big blue eyes of yours. 

There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of you. In fact, there probably isn't a day that goes by that I don't also TALK about you. Maybe I need to. Perhaps it's my way of keeping who you are alive; because, while the world has carried on without you, we, your family, live feeling your absence daily. For someone so tiny, you sure had a huge impact. You will live on forever in me, Mikayla. Forever. 

And while everyone else carries on, I will forever wish you were here, forever wish for more for you... for me... for us.

As I posted nearly a year ago:

How Do I Love thee? Let me count the ways

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life!
and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

                -Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Baby blue eyes....