Where do I start?
Well, let's start with you, Mikayla. 198 days!! You are over 6 months old already. Astounding! You continue to fight, in spite of of all of us. You're still temperamental... and it's still hard to know what to expect in terms of your happi-o-meter. Last night was a disaster... you woke up at 11:30pm, 12:30pm, 1:15am, 2:30am, 4:30am, 6:10am... to say I am a zombie is the understatement of the year! You seem to fluctuate, as I have said before from absolute angelic, to war-zone. You went through a stage where you were getting quite "chatty" (little gurgley spitting noise you used to make... really cute)... and you would smile quite readily when we kissed you.... it's definately something you do less and less... in some ways it's like you're going backwards... sometimes you seem to follow us, but your [reflex] response to us isn't great... and sometimes I am not sure how there you really are. And then suddenly you'll surprise me, and just seem so lucid, and "with it". Its just so hard not actually knowing.
A few weeks ago you were REALLY unhappy... you got temps the one night of 39.3C!! and then the next day of over 38C! I called the paed, and we decided to check for a urinary tract infection. Apparently levels of (pus per something or other?) of 5 or over are considered a bad infection... your levels were 40!! I felt terrible! Anyway, we promptly put on you an antibiotic, and you're definately better.
Then, in my wisdom (and sheer desperation for the need of some sleep), I decided to try you on some baby first cereal on Saturday night just past. Well, you love it!! You obviously don't eat hoards, but you definately enjoy it. My concern is that it may be making you constipated... but I don't know how else to try improve your sleeping at night. We've been getting up to feed you like a 6 week old baby for over 6 months. We're exhausted... and I can't do this for YEARS to come, and since I believe we may have years to plan for, I need to start doing SOMETHING?? But I dunno what will work. Argh!
Here's a cute smiley pic of you (taken when Daddy was kissing you)
Then us... well, it's been a pretty hard couple of weeks. Your granny (your Daddy's mom) went home to be with Jesus on Thursday. We're very sad she's gone, but we also know she is in a better place.. and having an absolute jol no doubt with all the angels, and with your grampa! We will miss her so very much, but she is free of her cancer, free of everything she was going through the last few weeks while in hospital. She loved you so much, and prayed so much for you... I pray she's having a little chat with Jesus about you now :-)
And then me? Well, eek... you're going to be an older sister!! Can you believe it!? We have our fourth baby on the way. The first 12 weeks were horrible... I was REALLY REALLY sick. The worst I have been with any of my pregnancies. I knew at 5 weeks, but wouldn't let Russ tell anyone, as I wanted to wait to have the first downs screening at 12 weeks. Well, we had that 2 weeks ago, and it went really well.... everything looks very good at this stage. Baby looks healthy, and is growing well. I keep telling people that I will remain throughout the pregnancy "skeptically optimistic", particularly because of what happened with you... but I believe all will be well with this baby xx I can't wait to have a happy, smiley, gurgley, bouncy, active baby... (and I am crying while I am typing this).
I obviously have my fears about this pregnancy, and this baby. It will be our last, so I do have high hopes... and that scares me. But I just have to hand it to God. I have pondered it all in my head for 9 weeks now (we're 14 weeks), and I have realised that I cannot control what happens... the fate of my life and this babies life is in God's hands. he knows my hearts desire, and I can only give it to Him, and then hope. The one thing I keep thinking is that in everything we have been through this year, the one thing I cannot let go of, is hope. Afterall, if I didn't have hope, what else would I have?
I sometimes wonder what on earth God was thinking giving you into our care. I moan alot, and am sometimes still sad about everything... and if I could change it and make you healthy and normal, I would do it in a heartbeat! I wonder sometimes if I am giving you the justice and honour you deserve.... but I am who I am... and there will always be this hole in my heart where the child I hoped and dreamed for, that you were supposed to be, is now gaping. It doesn't mean I love you any less. But there are things you cannot be. And there's a loss in that. There are lots of small things we rejoice in... and perhaps we're so much more mindful of each little moment, and the treasure and blessing that each achievement brings. And yes, there are some amazing lessons I have learnt. But all that I have gained, I have done at the tombstone of my loss. And if I dwell on it, just a little, it does make me terribly sad. Why you? Why did you deserve the short end of the stick. And then, when I had the downs screening for your little baby brother/ sister, the fetal specialist that told me that just before you were born, he had another patient who was told she was having a T18 baby.. he said he was absolutely sure of it. And when the baby was born, he was absolutely perfect. And then I think: did God swap our babies? And why was that mothers prayers answered, and mine were not? But I know I'll never have the answers to those questions, so it's kind of counter intuitive asking them, because all it does is open the door to more unanswerable questions!
Anyway, hoping for a better night tonight.
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