Days 337 - 342 Memories

I love this time of year Miks. I think cos it's my birthday month, the smell in the air, and the feel all around me is positive, and happy. Waking up in the mornings, and the smell in the air is my best... I just feels so good. But the other night, I was having supper, and something about the smell in the air brought all the emotions of a year ago back to me, in a rushing tide I simply cannot describe.... it was so strong, I couldn't actually finish my supper.

I remember that week so clearly. I remember sitting at the dining room table while you were still in NICU, simply pushing my food around my plate- having neither the energy or the desire to eat. I remember that emptiness that I felt... and that feeling of my heart literally shattering into a million pieces, a million times a day. That feeling of not being able to function.... just wanting to shut off. Forever. I have to say, it was quite a frightening feeling to feel those feelings again, even though it was in a way brief... and simply a memory. And then I thought about this baby arriving in 4 weeks time.... *sigh*... and even though I am confident the baby is fine... well, a part of me is so very scared! I simply couldn't go through that kind of shock and pain twice. It would quite literally kill me!

And I have been quite sick... a respiratory infection.. so the other night your oldest brother was saying his prayers, which went something like this: "dear Lord, thank you for the whole world and all the beautiful plants and flowers... dear Lord, please make mommy better, and please don't let the baby get infected... and Lord please let Mikayla get more and more better every day... and Lord, please don't let her die".... oh my gosh... Miks, what do I say to that? How do I prepare the boys? But also let them enjoy things as they are NOW? Don't get me wrong: we do not dwell on your "sickness" at all with the boys... but in the early days we had to tell them the truth, and the potential reality of your disorder- I simply won't lie to them... and Luke... well, he is such an astute, wise old soul... with the heart of a lion. They both love you so much.... I am so scared for them! I try to always live for today... but sometimes... well, I am just scared.

Last night was a disaster. I seem to get worse by the hour... so I went to the doctor, and he put me on antibiotics, so that it doesn't go to bronchitis. But from about 3pm yesterday, you got a blocked nose. It's so frustrating, cos is doesn't look bad... but you obviously can't breath properly, so you get really upset... and the more upset you get, the more snotty you get. The "snotilator" doesn't even help- it stresses you out so much, that you end up producing more snot than we can take out! You basically cried for 7 solid hours. By 9pm last night, I was beside myself... your Dad and I had been passing you around like a parcel... and trying everything under the sun to calm you... but I am feeling really sick, and I just desperately need to rest (impossible in this house!)... so Daddy took you for the last hour or so. He gave you a good dose of Panado, and that seemed to sort you out enough to calm you, and you then fell asleep. You were obviously fighting something, cos you were sweating like mad... but no temps. And then you slept through the night, which was a real treat, cos I really needed a full nights sleep... as did you.

You're somewhat quieter today... not as chatty, and still somewhat sweaty... but your blocked nose seems to have improved.... but I do get scared... there is always this little lingering voice in the background wondering what if?

I have booked your 1 year check up. 1 year!!!!! Who ever would have thought!?