Days 343 - 344 Who do I cling to?

The last two days have not been fun!!

First off, I am ill as anything. As of Tuesday, I have been on antibiotics, which don't seem to be working. I am coughing and spluttering, my lungs hurt, my head hurts, I am all husky (and NOT in a sexy way)....

And Miks, you are always so resilient. While the rest of us wither away with sickness, you seem to hardly ever pick up a thing- and if you do, you just sail through it mostly. Well, it seems not this time... after all my cocky talk on the matter!

I had a meeting in town yesterday.... when I arrived home, your nanny was most distressed saying that you hadn't been breathing well, and you have vomited twice- a horrible sticky vomit! And if she is distressed (she NEVER is), then that sends me reeling! So I tried to call the pediatrician, who wasn't available... I then phoned our GP, and had a complete meltdown on the phone... your breathing was definitely strange... almost like a hiccup? You were sweating like mad (although no "official" temperature).

So I raced you off to the doctor. While waiting, you just kept shouting. I didn't want to sit in the waiting room, cos everyone was staring at me. And then people ask if they can hold you- or ask how old you are. When I tell them you're a year old, they give you this weird look... and I don't want to get in a dialogue about your disorder, when all I want to do is burst into tears. So I sat outside on the steps, crying while you shouted, feeling like just crawling into a hole somewhere... scared, and alone.

Anyway, doc did all the standard checks- but the problem is that your breath is labored ANYWAY, and your heart and chest make funny sounds ANYWAY. But I love my GP. He knows when I tell him you're not right, that YOU'RE NOT RIGHT. I know your little quirks and noises, and these were not your-normal. So you're on an antibiotic.

Anyway, last night, your Dad went to a friends birthday party, and I was home with you and the boys. You kept doing this shouting thing. And I figured something out: you haven't quite figured out how to breath through your mouth. And because you're all clogged up, and can't breath through your nose, you know how to get breath in and out your mouth by "talking" (yes, the tongue thing)... and I think that's what your shouting is you doing: breathing!

So it wasn't too fun an evening, cos you wouldn't sleep, and you wouldn't drink your bottle. Around 9pm, I tried to give you a little more bottle. You had a few sips, and then you coughed... but you kept coughing, and your couldn't catch a breath in, and then you stopped breathing!!! You went bright purple. You had stuff coming out your mouth and nose. It was horrible. I was so scared. I am crying just thinking about it. I didn't know what to do. I was patting you, and hugging you, and rubbing you, but you just didn't get a breath in. I thought "oh my gosh, this is it!"... I couldn't believe it. After phoning your Dad, and running around the house like a mad woman, you actually came around... but you were still very unhappy.

We eventually got you calm enough that you fell asleep (the irony is that when you're calm, you breath better- but it's getting you there that is so difficult... and I had even given you Panado, and that didn't work). And then you slept like an angel all night!

But this morning you had one of those seizure things: you were fast asleep, and I was sitting looking at you, and I put my hand on your chest (It's weird, I do this alot, just to feel that little heart beating... reminding me of your LIFE)... and I thought "Gosh, your heart is beating REALLY fast"... and I mean, REALLY fast!! And then you started the whine, and then did the stretch/ stiff body. I just burst into tears. I just don't have the capacity to deal with these things at the moment. I am sore, uncomfortable, sick... and my little baby girl is too, and I feel like I am not doing anything to help you! But what do I do? It lasted a good 5 minutes.... and eventually we gave you a bottle of water- and I think the suckling calmed you down. You're somewhat dopey today... quite quiet. You're also a bit hot. We're giving you all we can for it. What more do I do? Do I trust God? Has He let me down before? He is so goodl... but does He care about us? Did He care when I begged Him for my whole pregnancy with you to give me a healthy child (even when I was told you were healthy)? Was it my fault you're not "healthy" because I didn't believe enough?

I am scared, Mikayla. I am not strong enough for this. I'm scared. Mostly I just want to cry all the time. I am so very very scared. I need to get better... all this sickness, along with final stage pregnancy hormones, are not good for me!! I am feeling deflated, and worried, and... *sigh*.... I just don't know how to love you less so that if something happens it won't hurt so much. Because it hurts already, and you're still very much here!