Days 67 - 71

Another busy week! Miks hasn't been too well. Well, technically she's been fine... but she's just been rather grumpy alot of the time. I gave her suppositories for 3 days, and then moved onto the sugar water in the hope of solving what I believe to be a pooping problem for her... and I must say, things really started to improve.... much to Russell's dismay.... I say this, because they improved in the bath, while he was bathing with her.... all I heard was frantic little yells from Russell, only for me to go into the bathroom to find a distraught baby and husband... and a bath laden with poo.... needless to say, it was followed by a shower :-)

But Miks has been fretful, and doesn't want to be put down, which is exhausting. And today she has been eating really badly, after having two frantic down-downs this morning, the next 3 feeds I really battled to feed Miks. And yet she seems hungry, but won't eat. I hate it. Not only does it frustrate me immensely... it also obviously worries me. It's hard to plan, or to have a guideline to work from or towards, when none of the standard rules apply.

I eventually succumbed again, and gave her another suppository in the evening, and she finally settled. After basically carrying her for 2 days, I am pretty stuffed! Really, I need to sort this out somehow.

You know, I have come to a few realizations... revelations, if you like. About me. About us. About life as I see it.

Firstly, life is all about choice. There is very little in life that isn't dependable on choice. Sure, there are obvious things that are not down to choice (like being in a car accident for example). But ultimately our destiny, our relationships, the things that matter, simply come down to the choices we make.

I can choose to dwell on the sadness of our reality. I can choose to live in the sorrow of broken dreams and hopes that I had for us as a family, and for Mikayla. Everyday... every moment, is a choice. Jesus said that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

The devil tried to steal my joy. He tried to tear us apart by taking that which he KNEW meant the world to me. He's no fool. He knows where our hope and our dreams lie... and he will do everything to take that from us.

I won't let him. Why should he win? I am a child of God. I love Jesus Christ. And there is NO WAY that I will allow the devil to take so much from me. Mikayla's disorder is NOT of God. The devil may have been able to take her "health".... but he doesn't have my daughter. And he CERTAINLY won't have me. That's the choice I have made.

I also know that there are things we simply don't know. And while death and suffering is not of God, sometimes the we are angry at God for allowing death? But Isaiah 57 says this:

"The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil." (Is 57:1)

We see only the immediate. God sees the past, the present and the future. Who's to say why He allows death? Perhaps it's to save us from future suffering?

This brings me to my next revelation which is that I know that God is a God of restoration. He didn't send His son to die on a cross for us so that we would suffer. Jesus restored. He restored a man's sight. He restored a man's hand. He restored a woman's suffering health. God didn't do what He did to make us live in sorrow and dispair. He didn't send Jesus as a reflection of death... He send Him as a reflection of LIFE. Jesus came to set us free. When I think of the word LIFE, I think of awakening... of a new dawn.... of new beginnings.... of happiness. And yet we live in our dispair, our sorrow, our anger, our defeat, our suffering... waiting for God to make things better. And yes, I believe He will... But what I also believe, is that HE ALREADY HAS. But while we are sad, and cannot fathom what we are enduring, I take comfort from what Peter said, which was this:

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - 1 Peter 5:10

And again, remember this:

For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning. - Psalm 30:5

The devil stole from me. God will restore. I have to believe that. And so daily, hourly, I make the decision to stand steadfast in God's truth. No matter what the world is telling me, I CHOOSE to believe God. That's not easy. But I will not let the devil have the upper hand in my life, because regardless of what I live in today... I have an eternal hope. And that which God doesn't restore here on earth, He will restore in heaven.