Day 86

Well, from one extreme to the other!! I've been so worried about MIckey's well, we'll call it "lack-of-nether-region-business"...and, well, last night at her 1:30am feed, I had to change her nappy due to a smelly one... then again at 5:30am, then again at 08:30am. I know I should be leaping around with joy... but really, if we could just keep things simple, normal, and consistent, that would be great! But no, Mickey quite enjoys keeping us on our toes (now with pegs holding our noses!).

Anyhoo...

So, my little muppet has had a rather grumpy day. Seriously, she is just unhappy when she's awake. I long so much for my cuddle to be enough to comfort her in some way or another. But it doesn't. Makes me feel so horribly inadequate as a mother.

I was wondering: if God doesn't cause disease and pain and suffering (and I believe He doesn't), but He is all-knowing (and He is), and He will make good the things that are bad in our life... well, then is it somehow, in some rather twisted way, still caused, or granted by Him? I mean, don't get me wrong, I believe God doesn't cause pain... but, if as everyone keeps telling me, I will learn something through this... well, why would He use my pain and suffering to teach me something... isn't that somehow a little cruel? Especially since He knew I was going to suffer? Why didn't He rather PREVENT my pain? Prevent Mikayla's suffering? I dunno... there is a rather thin line there. I'm not dwelling on it too much... because I simply will not believe that God is cruel. Cruel doesn't equal love. And God is love. But, I dunno... just a weird demented thought that occasionally grabs me. Mikayla was the only pregnancy that I prayed to God for His guidance on whether it was right or not.. and this is the pregnancy that produced a sick child? Isn't that a little... I dunno... perverse somehow?

Anyway, I'm going to mull over that for a little while. I'm not terribly sad about it... just a bit... well... curious, I guess.