Days 92 to 95

Its been an interesting few days. Over the long weekend, Miks was pretty exhausting... I'm starting to think its me though ;-)... she just cries (or moans?) all the time, particularly at night. Last night it took me 3 hours to settle her. Frustrated doesn't come close to how I feel... but during the week, during the day, she's pretty relaxed... sleeps well, doens't cry too much.... but then she's with my maid, not me... I'm starting to think that L is her favourite, and not me!! And of course, L loves her right back! It's actually a treasure to watch... the problem is that L isn't around in the evening and weekends, and that's when Miks plays up.... maybe Mikayla thinks L is her mom, and not me, and she pines for L when she's not around :-)

So on Monday morning we had a ladies breakfast for woman's day. A short talk, followed by LONG ministry. Everything was amazing... and then someone said they felt they should pray for me. And, well, it just all came out. I think on some level, when I really let myself collapse into whats happened, and how quickly our lives changed... really, in an instant... when I really let myself FEEL everything I am feeling.... well, it just HURTS so very much. In those moments, I can literally feel.... and it is a very real PHYSICAL PAIN... the hurt. It is so tangible. And then the anger rises with it- and that too is such an immense PHYSICAL sensation. I have never known pain like it before. Such a feeling of loss. Such a feeling of emptiness.... it came back, all in a moment.. the rawness of it all. But it felt good to have a moment to let it out.

Last night, Josh was scared, because the wind was howling, and really, these tin (steel?) roofs are really quite noisy in the wind (well, ours is anyway)... and he told me he had asked God to send His fairies to look after him... ha ha ha ha ha.... I of course corrected him that what he really wanted God to send was ANGELS. Then, just to clarify it, I told Josh how very BIG and STRONG angels were.... how they could FIGHT (not like fairies who are just dainty and float around in the wind... ha ha)... but at the woman's day I realised something... God sends little angels to us all the time. And they're in the form of friends. Family. Strangers. And they may not come with swords and wings... but they're fighting for us. God is fighting for us through them.

Something else that really made me think was this: sometimes, in order to be strong, and to come through this battle shining, we need to be vulnerable. There's of course the analogy that Jesus knocks but he waits for US to open the door. I also had a friend once say to me that God opens doors, but we need to walk THROUGH it. Often there is a responsibility on our part to DO. God could have made us little robots, but He gave us free will. Things happen in our lives, and we can choose to have broad shoulders, and deal with things on our own. Or, we can choose to sometimes be vulnerable. Vulnerable to God. Vulnerable to friends or even to strangers, so that we are in fact SURRENDERING to Him. And allowing Him a chance to work in and through us.

None of us are islands. And yet we go through life thinking no-one must see our pain. No-one must see our fear. No-one must see our guilt. But sometimes God sends other people to be His angels. So that we can have someone fight for us. Someone to help lift our burden.... and for Him to show us that He is there... loving us.... even when we think we're unloveable... or perhaps just unloved.

There are times when I look at all of this, and I wonder how my Father in Heaven who loves me, could watch me endure this pain and suffering, without a rainbow ending.... the ending to this story, with Mikayla is going to be sad. Whichever way. But I just keep reminding myself:

God loves me.
God loves Russ.
God loves Mikayla.
God sees.
God feels.
God restores.

By the way, I once watched a thing by a guy with cerebral palsy, talking about healing... and the thing that stood out for me which he said, was this simple fact: EVERYONE WILL BE HEALED. JUST SOME, NOT THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN.

Our hope is in an eternal heaven. Not an eternal earth.

I can't believe that were nearly at triple figures... Miks you little gem! You're just showing everyone, aren't you!?

Miks had some lumps on her chest, and a lump on her arm.... the chest is apparently breast tissue (!!), and the one on her arm is because of her BCG (?) injection of 14 weeks ago!! Garsh! But she's fine. Me? I am very tired... Russ has been away, and this looking after 3 children, including 1 times grumpy 15 week old... NOT FUN! And the WORST PART... is that I ran out of milk..... AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH......... NO TEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a sucky end to my night!!