Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Thank you

This is a seriously overdue post. I'm not sure what the delay for it is, but I have finally decided to write it.

We have been through a pretty tough season. We welcomed our much awaited daughter into the world with much excitement, only to have those dreams snubbed out in an instant. Instead our sweet angel daughter was sent home with us "to die".

I started this blog because I was hurting. Alot. Those early dark days were the loneliest of my life, and at one stage, I didn't think I'd make it. But then, the most amazing thing happened. Firstly, putting pen to paper started my healing. It helped me step back from the chaos, and see it from a distance. When you're in the thick of it, I think stepping back to look really does help. And then secondly, in my reaching out, to seemingly no-one, I got found. Found by a wonderful community of people, who have loved me and my daughter, and have kept me from sinking. Some of you I know, many I have never even met. You have shared my highs, and wept in my lows. And I am just. So. Grateful. 

Thank you for praying for us. Thank you for loving my beautiful little girl. Thank you for not judging me when I lashed out. Thank you for words of encouragement. Thank you for sharing my pain, and for sometimes sharing yours. 

When you go through something like this, it's amazing what surprises lie around the corner. There were many people, strangers and friends alike who surprised me. But I know there are a few unnamed heroes in our journey, I have heard of your warrior spirits- who prayed and supported us silently in the background. Some of you I will never even know. To you: thank you. Your faithfulness in the small things has not gone unnoticed. Not by me. To those who loved us through this time in our life: there were days you picked me up when I couldn't pick myself up- even if you don't know it. 

Now that we're out of the thick of it, so to speak, it's strange looking back and seeing so much that I couldn't see whilst in it. Some good. Some bad. But what reigns true more than anything else, is two things:

We were loved and supported by strangers and friends, both far and wide. I certainly did not deserve all that goodness. But I am so grateful. It was good to know in those lonely days that you were out there. Somewhere. 

But the other thing I can see, is how impossible it wouldve been to have survived this without the grace, love and support of my Heavenly Father. I am still angry. Perhaps now more than while Miks was alive. Because while she is dancing in Heaven, I am still picking up the pieces. I am still feeling sore. Deserted. Forgotten. Broken. And now, more than ever, I am trying to grapple with why my loving Father would let me go through this? Why He hasn't healed me completely? And yet. I know that He was there during our journey. And I know He continues to be there, even though some days I don't want to let Him in. Even though His silence breaks me to my core. Even though this emptiness in my soul makes me feel like He has forgotten me. Yet I am trying to still cling. Somehow. He took us through. Surely He will continue to do so?  For now, I say Thank you to Him too though: Thank You Lord that You carried me even though I didn't always feel it. Thank You that You held me, even when I felt alone. Thank you that You loved me even though I'm not very loveable. I know I don't deserve it. Please know I am trying. Please don't give up on me. And I promise to not give up on You either, though sometimes I feel it would be easier. Thank You for being my rock when my world was shaken. 

As we tread these murky waters without my darling girl....as we learn a new way of life... My prayer is that You won't forget me... And that perhaps one day You'll give me back my wings and my voice, that I may soar.

And to all you wonderful warriors: there really aren't words that sufficiently convey my gratitude. But just know that every prayer, and every whispered word lifted up for me and my family... Each one is embedded deep in my soul. I hope I can "pay it forward". May you be blessed as you have blessed my family.