Monday, September 20, 2010

Days 128 - 135

Ok, so I haven't written on my blog for a while... I just seem to be up to my eyeballs in all sorts of things!

Little darling princess Mikayla is well. She had such a funny day yesterday. She was hungry.... I mean, H-U-N-G-R-Y! She was downing a bottle every two hours- as if I had starved to poor child or something! So, I decided it best that I give her the Infatrini (love the stuff), to ensure she was getting nice and full, and of course lots of great nutrients. But I am afraid I have given her a taste of the good stuff- and she has my number now, and gets quite put out if I give her the other stuff. Yesterday she was also really smiley and cute.... She's such a little gentle thing. She loves getting kisses, and still her favourite place to lie is on her changing mat (I have NO idea why... it's a terribly boring view from the mat... but what do I know?!)

I had to share this little video.... I had actually taken a couple of videos before this which had more of her smiles... but this is my favourite cos of the cute little "talking" noises she is making... it's SO Miki! I checked my iPhone... I have 61 videos on it... pretty much ALL of Mikayla... man, I need a hobby :-)

I am ok. After having a mini meltdown a while back, and a little bit of striking, lots of tea, and the occasional chocolate, I am sorted out. Watch out... I may have lots to say going forward.

I just want to say this as well: I have always written this blog for ME. I know, that's awfully selfish, but it was a healing mechanism for me. A place for me to say anything. The intention was never that others would get a view into this rather disturbed mind of mine. So with that in mind, and I will probably only say this once: please, dear readers of this blog, know that what you're reading is raw and real in that moment. It's a glimpse into a moment that would otherwise not be shared.... and you know, we all have those moments, and they're not necessarily MEANT to be shared. The things I write/ say/ feel, I simply don't factor for a moment the repercussions of. I may even have said things that now leave people afraid to say things to me lest they be the wrath of my moaning on the next days blog!

Please take what I say and feel with a pinch of salt. Not because it's not true: but rather because you're seeing the uncensored version... and you know, we all have an uncensored version... most of us just censor it!! If I have ever said anything to leave anyone feeling afraid that they may say or have said the "wrong" thing to me... please know that there is NO right or wrong. And even when I have a good old moan... the me that I am will not judge. I simply have no right to do so. Thank you for sharing in my journey so far.
I feel quite privileged that you would take the time to read a moment into our little lives...The tears, the screams, the laughter, but I am afraid that in order for me to be honest with myself, and for this blog to have the purpose that I started it for, which was an outlet for my pain, a means to help me heal, and cope with what we're going through, then I simply have to pretend you're not there. And so, you'll have to forgive me for the sometimes thoughtless things I say... for the rawness that you read. It's real... but it's also sometimes fleeting.... by morning I am chipper, and you're reading, thinking I need to be locked up.... so just remember that.

Anyway, enough blabbering.... here's the little star of the show.... darling Princess Mikayla:

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Days 118 - 127

It hasn't been the greatest week or two. first Miks got a little sick... just sniffly and whatnot, but was grumpy beyond words. So I took her to the doctor, and he couldn't find anything wrong to cause her to be super grumpy, so we decided to check if it wasn't maybe a urinary tract infection. Turns out it is! So, she's on antibiotics for that... and seems to be improving. Is still sniffly- but nothing bad...

But, the horrible thing is that the little rat made me sick! I have been man down for the week... even sounded like a bit of a frog.... so it hasn't been fun.

But we're all on the up and up now.

And this is really what I have to say:

It hurts, but:

"All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to Worship!"

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Day 117

Last night was a disaster, Miks. What do I do, my girl? After 3 hours of you crying, and ALL methods exhausted... WHAT DO I DO? I feel like a useless mother. I can't even console my own child!

And all I get is "sorry". Fat load of good "sorry" does. Sorry doesn't change your prognosis. Sorry doesn't hold my hand while I am crying because my daughter won't stop crying and I am so useless I can't do anything to help it. Sorry doesn't stop you from consistently possetting up all your food. Sorry doesn't make your muscles relax so changing your nappy is a little easier. Sorry doesn't give me strength when I feel like I JUST WANT OUT! AND I DO! I REALLY DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS ANYMORE. You shouldn't be like this. You were supposed to be healthy. We had the tests for crying out loud. I was told you were fine. And you're NOT! I love you so much... but I want to take this cup from you. I want to help you. And I can't. No pill. No special machines. No drug. NOTHING.


I hear about prayers being answered, and about God sometimes not giving us what we desire, because maybe He has better plans in store for us. What could be better for you? For me? I am sick of all of this. Really.

On a reasoning side, I understand certain things. But on the emotional side this really does take it's toll on me... and you!? What about the toll on you? And that's what freaks me out.

There are times you're so lucid, and almost engaged. And then other times it's like we're not even there.

Why did this happen? I don't understand why you ended up like this? Why did you get the 1 in 6000? And I know I will never get the answer to that question. I know also that it had to be someone... so why not me? And why not you? But the flip side is also WHY you?? You deserved a chance just like everybody else. And you were screwed.

Honestly, there are days when I feel like the whole of Heaven is just standing up there laughing at me. Look at you! You're so useless! You're a pathetic mother! And ha ha! Look at you Mikayla! We'll just let you suffer a little longer! I mean, why not! Ha ha!

Well ha bloody ha. I am having a huge sense of humor failure!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Day 116

Miki did this really weird thing last night while she was bathing. She lifted her head, as if she was trying to kind of sit, and then her whole body when stiff... like a spasm. She was aware of what was going on, because I could see she was distressed, but she was just completely rigid!! It was very scary... so much so that I shouted for Russ... but by the time he got to the bathroom, she was fine- albeit still upset, she was no longer stiff. What was it, I wonder? It was horrible.

And then, during the night she was very clingy... wanting to be held the whole time. I ended up having to give her something to help her sleep (after exhausting all other options).

She is also possetting a lot... but even worse, she has been possetting clear water? Is that weird? Especially because she doesn't drink water? Surely it should be milky? It's really strange. She doesn't do the water thing OFTEN... but often enough for me to notice, and be somewhat concerned.

L tells me she has been fine today, except in the afternoon when she seemed to throw up all the feed that she has demanded, and guzzled down. Shame, I sometimes think she's really hungry, but her little body cannot digest all the food she's needing, so she ends up sending it all straight back up again. We go through sheets like you don't know. In fact, we've taken to putting a toweling nappy under her head, which we have to regularly change throughout the day.

I haven't spent much time with Miks during the day. I have been so busy, I just don't have time... what with work, and running around after the boys. I have also started exercising properly, which I am loving! I hate being so unfit- it drives me crazy. Anyway, one step at a time.... I've got quite some weight to lose... but it took me 9 months to put it on, and I have lost about 60% in 4 months (6 weeks of which I couldn't exercise or anything)... so I am not doing too badly.

I can't believe Miki is nearly 4 months old. One week to go. When I put what "day" shes on, I have to jot it down if I can't refer back to old blog posts.... what am I going to do when we reach 4 digits :-) ??

She is so resilient and tough this little chicken. I wish she didn't have T18.