Monday, November 29, 2010

Days 201-205

Well, firstly I have to say, what an amazing funeral service for Jean... such a testimony to the life she lived, and the lives she touched. Such a graceful, humble woman... I am so proud to have called her my mother in law... !! She had chosen such amazing songs as well- really upbeat, happy songs, and so, in so much as it was a time to mourn her, it was also a time to celebrate... she is FREE, and dancing with the angels!

My little Miks has really been up and down lately. She really does go from being blissfully happy, to being really really unhappy- practically inconsolable, and for no apparent reason. Saturday was a baker of a day, and she was only in her nappy the whole day... and I just let her sleep in her carry cot in the lounge where it was nice and cool. In the afternoon, I was sitting in the lounge with Tes keeping cool, and chatting, with Miks on a pillow next to me. She was just lying there watching me, and every now and again, she'd give me an enormous grin. I was gently rubbing her feet, and it obviously hit a ticklish spot, and she gave her little "grimmis" (spelling?) laugh... kind of a "a-huh" sound, which sounds like she wants to laugh, but is not too sure. I am desperate to catch it on camera, cos it's too cute, but she doesn't do it often, and invariably stops before I can catch it on camera... it will just have to sit in my memory bank. Anyway, then Saturday night she was quite unhappy, although slept relatively well. Sunday day she was angelic... and then we hit Sunday afternoon, and all the wheels fell off.

She was so unhappy on Sunday night, during the night. She is badly constipated again, and is battling to eat. She is really sleepy, but when she's awake just cries and cries. I feel so desperate for her, and so helpless a lot of the time. Today she was even worse, but it's now noticeable that she is actually getting sick... snotty nose, and actually coughed up a bit of phlegm this afternoon, which really took me by surprise! This morning, after spending almost two solid hours crying, we gave her some Calpol to calm her; and then she promptly slept pretty much the whole day (and no, it was actually a normal dose of Calpol, incase you were thinking otherwise)... so basically she fed at 9am, and then only again after 3pm! For a baby who normally feeds every 3-4 hours, a 6 hour break is quite a big thing! Plus, she basically slept from around 11:30 til 3... which again, is quite a thing for her during the day. Anyway, she is obviously feeling grotty, which we're giving her something for, and perhaps just needs to rest to recover (don't we all when we're sick?)

This morning, I went to the hospital to fetch her birth certificate (finally!)... and when I arrived at the maternity ward, one of the LOVELY nurses that was on duty when Mikayla was born, started asking about her, and how she was doing. She then asked if I had any pictures of Mikayla, which I of course said yes to (ahem, I have an entire iPhone practically dedicated to her), so I showed her the video below, and next thing I had all the nurses around oohing and aahing..... I actually got quite emotional... so proud of my little girl :-)

Unfortunately that cute little spitting/ chatty thing she does she doesn't seem to really do anymore. And I so loved it... I miss hearing her chat like that.

It's a funny thing, but even though it sometimes really hard what she's going through, and what we're going through... I know that I will miss her in my life when shes gone (and I don't know when that will be... no-one does!)... how could I not? She's my daughter! I love her! She's a precious little angel! Just wish I could do more for her... make her better! Anything!

But it's all in God's very capable hands! I try not to linger on the thought too much... because when I do, I crack... and while it's ok to do it from time to time, I also have to just take things for what they are... dwelling on it certainly won't make things better!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day 200

Miks had a much better day today, thanks to lots of suppositories, no cereal, and I even changed her formula back to the 0-6 month (I had progressed her onto the 6-12 month, but I am not sure given the number of feeds she had a day, that the "promotion" to the older formula was actually a wise one). She was quite a happy little things today... slept well, ate well... now just holding out hope for a decent nights sleep :-)

Tomorrow is Jean's funeral... think it's going to be an emotional day... but will be wonderful to have an opportunity to honour her and remember her.

It's amazing how quickly life can change. I was thinking back to that day Mikayla was born, and how, in an instant, our lives were forever altered. The same with Jean... how suddenly she was there, and then suddenly she was gone (even though it wasn't that "sudden" per-say).. and how our lives are now forever changed. I was thinking on Sunday night that I couldn't just send her an sms... or hope to receive a note from her on my blog. Just like that. And yet, our lives on earth are but a spec in the wind really...

As the scripture says:

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" - James 4:14

We are "small" enough that we should really get off our soap boxes and realise that we are not in control... our lives here on earth, as wonderful as they are, flail in comparison to the vastness of eternity... and yet we are "big" enough to the King of Kings that He would call us by name, and know every hair on our heads. Without climbing back on the soap box: I would say that makes us pretty special... I mean, the queen of England doesn't know every hair on ANYONE'S head, let alone mine...but the King of Kings?! Well... you get my drift

Good night sweet people... hears hoping for a night of actual sleep (been rare of late)

Day 199

I miss the wonderful comments Jean used to leave on my blog- always encouraging me, and always giving me a scripture or two to cling to.

My mother-in-law was an amazing, phenomenal woman. She was always faithful to the things of God, but she carried herself with a quiet, humble assurance. She was not arrogant or boastful. And even to her final days, all that she longed and hoped for is that her children would know the Lord... would love the Lord. She simply understood that there is no greater gift. And no greater rock with which to build your life on. I know that we would not have survived this far, were it not for God. Even though I don't understand. Even though it hurts most of the time. I know like I know that without the foundation of the King of Kings, we would have crumbled a long time ago.

This is one of the scriptures Jean gave to me... she always said that Isaiah was her favourite book in the bible, and she would often quote scriptures to me out of it. I hope and pray that one day I have even half the faith that she had:

“To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Why do you complain, Jacob?
Why do you say, Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God”?
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:25-31

Monday night Miks slept relatively well, but the whole of today she was really unhappy. She seems really constipated. I am giving her something for it, and am not giving her the cereal anymore (are there better cereals that are easier on the tummy?)... but it meant that we had the most awful night. I am so unbelievably exhausted. Gosh, I just want a life again. Sorry, momentary "pity party"... as Jean always called it :-) Golly, I was fond of my mother in law!!

Well, before you turned 200 days, Miks, we had a momentous occasion today: you had your first haircut! Your hair was a real nightmare... because you always turn your head to the left, but also turn your head from side to side when you're lying down. I kept having to cut out really bad knots on the left side of your head. So the right side, the hair was quite long, the left side quite short, and the top really whispy and short... a bit like a baby scraggly Albert Einstein kinda hairdo. But we've given you a short back and sides, and you look too adorable. Plus, I think the long hair was making you really hot... you were often very sweaty... so I am hoping this will help you too.

Day 199. Hair cut. Done. First Cereal. {Bad idea but} done.

The funniest thing was I finished off the cut, and then I took you into the bathroom to show Russ, and I was holding you up, and you looked at him and gave him the biggest cheesy grin ever. It was super cute. You funny, funny little girl.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Day 154-198

I have been on blog-strike. Dunno why... at first I think I just kept forgetting, and then so much was happening around me, my vent-platform just took a back seat.

Where do I start?

Well, let's start with you, Mikayla. 198 days!! You are over 6 months old already. Astounding! You continue to fight, in spite of of all of us. You're still temperamental... and it's still hard to know what to expect in terms of your happi-o-meter. Last night was a disaster... you woke up at 11:30pm, 12:30pm, 1:15am, 2:30am, 4:30am, 6:10am... to say I am a zombie is the understatement of the year! You seem to fluctuate, as I have said before from absolute angelic, to war-zone. You went through a stage where you were getting quite "chatty" (little gurgley spitting noise you used to make... really cute)... and you would smile quite readily when we kissed you.... it's definately something you do less and less... in some ways it's like you're going backwards... sometimes you seem to follow us, but your [reflex] response to us isn't great... and sometimes I am not sure how there you really are. And then suddenly you'll surprise me, and just seem so lucid, and "with it". Its just so hard not actually knowing.

A few weeks ago you were REALLY unhappy... you got temps the one night of 39.3C!! and then the next day of over 38C! I called the paed, and we decided to check for a urinary tract infection. Apparently levels of (pus per something or other?) of 5 or over are considered a bad infection... your levels were 40!! I felt terrible! Anyway, we promptly put on you an antibiotic, and you're definately better.

Then, in my wisdom (and sheer desperation for the need of some sleep), I decided to try you on some baby first cereal on Saturday night just past. Well, you love it!! You obviously don't eat hoards, but you definately enjoy it. My concern is that it may be making you constipated... but I don't know how else to try improve your sleeping at night. We've been getting up to feed you like a 6 week old baby for over 6 months. We're exhausted... and I can't do this for YEARS to come, and since I believe we may have years to plan for, I need to start doing SOMETHING?? But I dunno what will work. Argh!

Here's a cute smiley pic of you (taken when Daddy was kissing you)

Then us... well, it's been a pretty hard couple of weeks. Your granny (your Daddy's mom) went home to be with Jesus on Thursday. We're very sad she's gone, but we also know she is in a better place.. and having an absolute jol no doubt with all the angels, and with your grampa! We will miss her so very much, but she is free of her cancer, free of everything she was going through the last few weeks while in hospital. She loved you so much, and prayed so much for you... I pray she's having a little chat with Jesus about you now :-)

And then me? Well, eek... you're going to be an older sister!! Can you believe it!? We have our fourth baby on the way. The first 12 weeks were horrible... I was REALLY REALLY sick. The worst I have been with any of my pregnancies. I knew at 5 weeks, but wouldn't let Russ tell anyone, as I wanted to wait to have the first downs screening at 12 weeks. Well, we had that 2 weeks ago, and it went really well.... everything looks very good at this stage. Baby looks healthy, and is growing well. I keep telling people that I will remain throughout the pregnancy "skeptically optimistic", particularly because of what happened with you... but I believe all will be well with this baby xx I can't wait to have a happy, smiley, gurgley, bouncy, active baby... (and I am crying while I am typing this).

I obviously have my fears about this pregnancy, and this baby. It will be our last, so I do have high hopes... and that scares me. But I just have to hand it to God. I have pondered it all in my head for 9 weeks now (we're 14 weeks), and I have realised that I cannot control what happens... the fate of my life and this babies life is in God's hands. he knows my hearts desire, and I can only give it to Him, and then hope. The one thing I keep thinking is that in everything we have been through this year, the one thing I cannot let go of, is hope. Afterall, if I didn't have hope, what else would I have?

I sometimes wonder what on earth God was thinking giving you into our care. I moan alot, and am sometimes still sad about everything... and if I could change it and make you healthy and normal, I would do it in a heartbeat! I wonder sometimes if I am giving you the justice and honour you deserve.... but I am who I am... and there will always be this hole in my heart where the child I hoped and dreamed for, that you were supposed to be, is now gaping. It doesn't mean I love you any less. But there are things you cannot be. And there's a loss in that. There are lots of small things we rejoice in... and perhaps we're so much more mindful of each little moment, and the treasure and blessing that each achievement brings. And yes, there are some amazing lessons I have learnt. But all that I have gained, I have done at the tombstone of my loss. And if I dwell on it, just a little, it does make me terribly sad. Why you? Why did you deserve the short end of the stick. And then, when I had the downs screening for your little baby brother/ sister, the fetal specialist that told me that just before you were born, he had another patient who was told she was having a T18 baby.. he said he was absolutely sure of it. And when the baby was born, he was absolutely perfect. And then I think: did God swap our babies? And why was that mothers prayers answered, and mine were not? But I know I'll never have the answers to those questions, so it's kind of counter intuitive asking them, because all it does is open the door to more unanswerable questions!

Anyway, hoping for a better night tonight.