Well, Mikayla was a SUPER star last night. She slept right through from around 10pm til about 4am. She has been a sleepy little critter today as well... and rather grumpy when awake. But seemed to be much more alert today. This afternoon I was singing to her... and she seemed to calm down and listen to me. It's so frustrating not knowing how much she can hear or see. Sometimes she seems to absolutely see me... and then other times, it's like she looks straight through me!
I was saying to a friend today, that in all of this, the thing I find the hardest is the not knowing, and the lack of control. I know I have said it already: but it's a hard thing, particularly for me, a doer by nature... a get up and go person.... to suddenly just be DOING nothing!? Never has the reality of leaving something in God's hands so real to me. We often say "well, I am trusting God for this or that"... that we're "handing things over to him".... but until you CANNOT maintain even an iota of control over something, do you actually understand what that means. And let me tell you: for me, it's pretty hard. That's not a faith thing. It's not that I don't believe in His ability, or His plan, and trust ultimately in His will.... it's that suddenly I cannot have the least bit of control.... nothing at all. It's a really humbling experience.
I was told a lovely story about a little boy, who, upon his parents bringing his baby sibling home, asked to be alone in the room with her. The parents agreed, but were concerned about why, so they snuck up to the door to keep an eye on their older son. Upon doing so, they saw him run up to his baby sister, and whisper to her: "Because you were the last person to have seen Him.... what is Jesus like?". Oh... to see the world through the eyes of a child!
I was a very brave girl today. I went out and left Miks to sleep at home instead of taking her with me. I am rather proud of myself (I did call in and check on her though)... was rather un-exciting, as I just went grocery shopping... oh, and to buy some fat clothes! I can no longer live in denial!
Next thing to do is to find a nanny-come-cleaner... for those of you who don't know: on top of all this shock of my poor little girl, is the fact that the lady that worked for me had to go off on early maternity leave when Miks was a week or so old... oh, and the cherry on the top, is that my engagement ring has gone missing.... I am trying NOT to have a sense of humour failure :-(