Mikayla being "thrown" by her Daddy. She always loved this. And let me tell you, Mikayla was always quite clear on what she liked and didn't like!
You know, the last 2 years have really shaken my world. Everything we have been through has really challenged everything I believe in. That's not to say my belief system has changed. No. If anything perhaps it's stronger in some ways.
The word that kept hitting me this last weeks is "trust". And I mean, everywhere. It popped into my head (invariably this is how alot of my posts come about: a little pop! in the head! Not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing?). But it keeps appearing at me: a movie title, a verse, a song... So I've been thinking about how trust has been an issue for me over the last two years.
1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Reliance on something in the future; hope.
v. trust·ed, trust·ing, trusts
1. To have or place reliance; depend: Trust in the Lord.
2. To be confident; hope.
These nouns denote a feeling of certainty that a person or thing will not fail. Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence.
Faith connotes unquestioning, often emotionally charged belief
You see, when all control is out of your hands. When you have no ability to change the course of something. Who do you rely on? Who do you trust? That was hard for me. It still is. When the world around you seems to have their prayers answered, when it seems like God is helping pull other people out of their "ditches", it's really hard to trust that at some point He'll do the same for me. Now, I'm not talking blessings here. That's a whole other thing. Let me be perfectly clear here: We have been blessed in abundance. Even through all we've been through, we have been immensely blessed. And I am so very very grateful for those blessings. But we're also talking the life of my daughter here. It was her LIFE I lost. Not my car. Not my self esteem. Not my pride. The LIFE of my daughter. How do you quantify that? Aside from all the good that has come of it, how do you justify the loss of a life? Not easy.
And through trying to trust God in the last two years, and frankly, having been "let down", how do I continue to trust? Why don't I give up? We've all heard this before: "trust is earned". However, based on the description above ("Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence"), this is not entirely true.
People were often horrified when they saw Russ playing with Miks. He'd hold her upside down, and throw her in the air. But Mikayla? She loved it. She'd pull her squidgy face, and grin from ear to ear. Russ didn't earn her trust. He simple had it. Did you know that babies naturally don't like a falling sensation, which is why when you lower a baby in a bath, they will cry... Because they don't feel secure. But our babies trust us as parents. Ok, I will admit, in part it is "earned", but I think, for the most part, they trust us based in "inconclusive evidence". In my life, in the last two years, based on prayers I have uttered, I don't have conclusive evidence to trust God. Look, before you shoot me down, I realize that there is very much conclusive evidence of God's goodness and the assurance that we can trust Him... You just have to look at the cross to see it. But, for the purpose of my point, go with me on it.
The thing is, that I do still trust God. For starters, what other hope do I have? (that's the pessimist in me)
But its more than that: The last few weeks, I have really felt like God wants me to let go. Let go of the sorrow. Let go of the frustration. Let go of the disappointment. Perhaps even let go of my dreams. He wants me to let go. To breath out all the sorrow of the last two years. And I believe that when I do that, something will happen. I don't know what. I really don't. Maybe it'll simply be a release of any hidden burden I may be carrying, and it will set me free. Maybe it'll be more than that. Maybe, as a dear friend pointed out, it will be me finally forgiving God. And, while He certainly doesn't need my forgiveness, perhaps in forgiving Him, I can break down any wall between Him and I (that I have built), and repair our relationship (only needed on my part), and build a closeness, that perhaps I have lost. And then hopefully I will feel in my heart, the trust that is in my head.
I feel like He is saying "trust me, my child". Maybe when I really embrace that trust, when I feel it warm me to my core, He will throw me up into the air, and catch me again, while I giggle in His embrace.
How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
I am placing my reliance in and depending on, The Lord, my Heavenly Father.