Monday, October 24, 2011

Sad today

I am feeling sad today, Miks.

I wonder if you'd been born in a different country, perhaps with more opportunity and access to medical funds and assistance, would you have fared better?

I am so scared that I didn't do enough. I am sitting here typing, with tears streaming down my face, scared that you didn't get everything you deserved... and that it is my fault.

You were the most beautiful girl in the world. Those big bright blue eyes, and that beautiful smile will resonate in my soul for all my days on this earth and beyond. How will I live the rest of my life without you? I am trying to shuffle along, and am for the most part absolutely fine... but as I sit here alone... well... I wonder if God is punishing me for all that I have done wrong in my life? I know that isn't true... I know that God is a good God. And I know that you're in Heaven. And I know that you're free, and I know that I'll see you again. But with all the "I don't know's" lingering in the back of my head... sometimes it blurs my vision of the "I do know's".

My daughter. I can't believe I had to say goodbye to my daughter.

As we take one day at a time, the reality is that as life goes on around us, we're still dealing with the aftermath. One of the realities of your life and death, is the grief that your oldest brother is having to cope with. He's a gentle, sweet soul, who is a deeply emotional- almost old soul- and he is hurting. But he doesn't know how to filter what he is feeling, and a result is his performance in school (poor concentration); and his occasional (sometimes even regular) outbursts of over-emotion, around often the smallest things.

It was one of my other fears from the moment you were born: I was so scared of the repercussions it would have on the boys. What is their view now on life and death? What is their view on family? On having a family of their own? How will this effect them, both now, and in the future? I am so aware of the emotional scars that we all bear... and more than anything, I must protect the boys from damaged and scarred hearts. I hope, and I pray, that I free them of carrying scars that will adversely affect their future and the relationships and decisions they make as teenagers, and as grown men.

We are dealing with it aggressively, so to speak. I hope, along with the love and time we're giving to them and them alone, that it will be enough.

Death may end a life on earth, but as your soul continues to live in Heaven, the wave of your life here on earth, continues to move, both positively, and negatively. I must be mindful of both.

I wanted to add this video in... I love your sweet little gentle smile in this clip. Oh, how I miss you...

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