Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Today you are two years old, and yet forever 16 months 2 days.
There is not a day goes by that I don't miss you, and not a second that passes that I don't think of you. I "buried" you along with a multitude of hopes and dreams of what my life would look like. And part of today is a remembrance of that, which brings with it immense sadness.
Two years ago today, we were waiting in the hospital to deliver our very special baby girl. I was nervous and anxious.. I thought it was because of the c-section or because I wasn't having the natural delivery I had hoped for... with hindsight, I know now it's because somewhere in my core, I knew something was wrong, even though everybody else said everything was fine. I look back now and think how trivial so much of my worries were. How silly they all seem now. I was so focused on the delivery, but in the end, that didn't matter. You came out fighting for your LIFE. It took them 3 minutes to get you to breath on your own; the next 48 hour were touch and go.
I remember those first two weeks. They will forever be etched in my mind. Those feelings. Such pain. Such disappointment. Such fear. I have never felt so lonely and scared in my life. The thing is, Miks, the part that has always hurt the most, was not being able to help. Not being able to protect you. I would've given my life to save you. To make you whole. To make you LIVE. But I couldn't. I could do nothing.
And then I had to spend the next 16 months knowing that I would have to say goodbye. I loved you so much. I loved you long before you were even born, before you were even conceived. You will ALWAYS be a part of me. You will ALWAYS be my baby girl. And I will ALWAYS miss you.
Happy birthday my darling daughter. I hope you're having the most wonderful time in Heaven. Know that the world is an emptier place without you, as is my heart. You will never be forgotten. Ever. I am so proud that you are my daughter. And I am sorry that I couldn't do more.
I love you. Now and forever.