Day 10

Today was good. Mikayla was really sleepy... which is not surprising when you consider she was rather quite awake most of the night... she definitely has her day/ nights swapped around.

I had a great talk with a good friend of mine in Johannesburg. It was good to just pour my heart out a bit. I feel terrible off loading on Russ all the time... he is so strong, but it must be hard being so positive amidst all the uncertainty, and topped with that, the pessimist of note (being me!).

I also called the genetic laboratory today, where Miks' tests were done, and spoke to a genetic counselor. It was just good speaking to someone who knew and understood the facts; who didn't sugar-coat the truth to try "make me feel better"; and who immersed the conversation in the reality of what it was, rather than the maybes and possiblies etc. She said that 60% of T18 babies don't make it beyond the first 21-30 days. 90% don't make it to their first birthday. Interestingly, I thought it was the major defects of these babies that determined their life expectancy; but she said that while those play a part, the reality is that the extra chromosome simply puts the body out of balance; and that challenge of the bodies equilibrium simply causes it to be unable to function properly. She also said that if a T18 baby does survive, it is severely mentally and physically retarded... and as callous as it sounds, I quite simply do not want that for my daughter. I would be keeping her alive then for me... not for her.

She also pointed out that a baby like MIkayla will at 2 weeks, be like a 2 week old baby, but a month from now, will not have progressed much beyond that. So the gap widens. And it's her failure to thrive, that will indicate her little body slowly giving up.

Now that may sound like all doom and gloom- and neither are realities I desire... but I would rather know the facts, and prepare myself accordingly, than lull myself into a false sense of hope. Afterall, my pregnancy was just that: a false sense of hope... and when the reality came upon us when Miks was born, it was such a shock... SO raw, that I simply couldn't have two of those kind of "encounters".

Tomorrow I am going to phone a psychologist. I think I should talk to someone about these things who will have a really objective, and professional view.

Mikayla was again really sleepy today. She had some lucid episodes, but was overall sleepy. Her feeding isn't great. She eats, but I don't think that she actually eats enough. She does seem to have put on weight though, and even her legs aren't as stiff as they were. So I think overall she seems to be doing well. My little angel.

We've also decided to dedicate her at church this weekend. It's not going to be easy for me....

I read somewhere that God only gives very special children to very special parents.... and while Mickey is definately a special little child... I am not sure how special we are. But we do love her. And we want the best for her. That's the only thing that matters.