We didn't have a great start to the day today. First off, Miks didn't have the best night. At her 11pm feed, she was awake for nearly 2 hours, and was very unhappy. Eventually she did fall asleep, but it took some coaxing to get her there.
Then, this morning, Russ took the boys to Luke's school, where Luke had a mini soccer tournament on. I fed Miks, burped her as usual, and then, after we had some chattig time, I took her to her room to "top and tail" her, and dress her for the day. While I was changing her, she had an apnea episode. I am no sure how long it lasted for... maybe 30 or 45 seconds? Maybe a little longer? I rubbed and patted, but seemed to be to no avail... so I gave her mouth to mouth. I am not sure if that's what helped, but she did come around.
Then, not 3 hours later, I Skyped my brother in Australia. While we were chatting, I was holding Miks, and I glanced down to see that she was bright purple... another apnea!! I couldn't believe it. My poor brother- I think HE got such a fright (never mind me!!). More rubbing and patting, and more mouth to mouth. Then 10 minutes later another one!!!! It was pretty scary. I sat with Mikayla after the third one for a good half an hour cuddling her. She kept having these strange shaking things- like a really bad cold shiver? Maybe that's exactly what they were, although she was wrapped up quite warmly.... but I was pretty much terrified that she was going to have another episode without me there.
As time goes on, so we become more accustomed to our situation, and Mikayla's condition, that we seem to just be fine. And then, like now, I just get so terribly sad. Sad for everything I dreamed of for Mikayla. Sad for the little girl who she will NOT be. And sometimes it is simply all consuming. I cannot describe the feeling.... it just feels like my heart is literally breaking into little pieces... over and over again- it's a very real tangible feeling.... it actually hurts me physically. I see other little girls the same age as Mikayla, and already can see how she isn't developing like them. Or I see older girls than Mikayla, and know that she will never progress to what they are. Then I rebuke myself for comparing my daughter to other people's daughters, and the statement that one should never compare your children to other people's children becomes that much more pertinent. But how can I not compare? I still want that for my daughter. I want to see her run. I want to see her laugh. I want to see her smile. I want her to be everything she can be and more. Is that wrong? I think I wouldn't be a mother if I didn't desire the best for my daughter. And she won't have those things. It doesn't seem fair. And yet, what about life is fair? God never said things would be easy. There is no guarantee that things will be fine. There is suffering in the world. I happen to be going through trials... but if I step back and put it into perspective, the reality is that there will always be people better off than me, and people worse off than me. My reality is what it is. And it hurts. But I am blessed with an amazing husband, two wonderful, bright, healthy boys; and a sweet little girl, who God has loaned to us a little shorter than the next person. Ultimately all children are only on loan to us anyway... we get arrogant and think that they're OURS , but we all belong to God. And our lives here are determined by Him long before we took our first breath. Mickey has purpose for her time here. One day maybe I will see it.
And maybe one day it won't hurt so much.
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