Day 18

Miks and I had a pretty busy day today. Our start to the day wasn't great, because Josh isn't well. He was nearly hysterical, saying he had a headache. There is measels going around at the moment, so I am of course a bit panicked, because first and foremost I don't want Josh to be sick, because I am concerned about HIM, but also because we obviously worry about Mickey picking something up. Her little body, from what I have been told, simply doens't have the capacity to fight the way a healthy baby might- and even in a healthy baby, measels is pretty disastrous!

So the first thing to do was get Josh comfortable at home, and make a docs appointment for him. Then Mik and I went to see the psychologist. Miks was a real little star at the appointment Slept through pretty much the whole appointment, just waking up when it was time to go.

I must say, I think it helped a bit going to the appointment. Just having a sounding board- and getting to say pretty much anything, without fear of judgment, and without the person on the receiving end feeling the need to console me, or help me, as friends would naturally want to do. I learnt a few things while I was there. I won't go into all the details, but the one thing I realised, is that while friends have been wonderful and caring, their need to console me, actually confuses me, and makes me question myself, and my decisions in terms of Mikayla's condition. Because most of the people I speak to simply don't understand the nature, and perhaps the severity of the condition, they will often trivialise the matter. Now, that's not a critisizm of the friends and family who have given me well meaning advise. I appreciate their concern and love. But the reality is that this will only ever be REAL to Russ and I, because until you go through something, it is simply so difficult to understand and relate to it fully- particularly something of this nature. And thank goodness I haven't come across lots of other people who have gone through this. It's hard, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

The reasoning and intellectual side of me knows that decisions I make I will have to stick to, and the most important thing is to not question myself, because when I do.... well, that's when I fall into the pit of depression!

Tonight, I had a major meltdown. Another friend is having a baby girl!! I am so excited for all my pregnant friends.... but they are all a reminder of my loss! And that's the other thing I have come to realize: everyone says that I shouldn't grieve for Mikayla while she is still here. And they're right to a degree.... but what I have realized is that my grieving is not for the Mikayla who is with us, but rather for the dream I had for my daughter... the life that I had hoped for her, which will never come to pass. That dream, that desire, that I have carried my whole life, is gone, and THAT is the loss I grieve. But I am trying not to grieve for Mikayla. Because yes, she is here, and yes, she is my daughter, and yes, I love her, despite her condition.