Day 15

Had a rather hard day today.

My first fright was this afternoon, when Mikayla stopped breathing. She went completely purple. SHe didn't seem to try to breath either, but the air simply stopped going in and out of her little beautiful nose (babies cannot breath through their mouths, so nose is where you look for those little breaths). After a lot of rubbing and bouncing, she started breathing again. But it was a really terrifying experience.

Then, in bed in the evening, she was lying on Russ' chest, and she stopped breathing again. It is really frightening for me to watch. I am completely terrified first and foremost that Mikayla is in pain. She does remain very calm though, so that indicates that perhaps it isn't painful, and once she starts breathing again, she isn't terribly fretful. She is first very pale, and then makes soft gurgling sounds before drifting off to sleep. But the other thing that worries me, is if she is losing oxygen to the brain, it could obviously be detrimental to her brain functioning.

Of course, what it is also creating is a sense of suspense in our lives. I spent the whole day and day, in a kind of "held breath" state... waiting for something to happen. I also don't want her out of my sight. If she goes, I want one of us, or perhaps both of us there for her. I don't want her to be alone. Of course, I know that ultimately she is not alone, because I believe that when she leaves this world, Jesus will be there holding her hand to take her to heaven, but the human in me, is still afraid of her being alone, or afraid. She is, afterall, my daughter, and my first reaction will always be to try and protect her, nurture her, and comfort her. That's what mothers do!