Day 20

Job loved God despite his circumstances. I am learning to do the same. As the song by Hillsong goes "All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing... I have a reason to worship". I will worship You, God, despite the feeling that everything I had wished and hoped for seems to be crumbling around me.

A friend of mine today spoke about the "Chaos Theory", which is basically that amidst the chaos, like in times of tragedy, everything seems random and chaotic. But that as you step back from the chaos, so you see the order of things. The divine plan. The meaning. That, really, there is no randomness. So one day I will see the order of this. I certainly already see how Mikayla has touched lives, and how humans have an enormous capacity to love. God calls us to love one another. And when a child in particular is affected, it becomes so easy to show that capacity for love, because of the child's unquestionable innocence. But I have also learnt how important it is to reach out to people around us, and, as a friend said, we should never suppress the urge to reach out and touch someone, particularly in times of tragedy.

This friend has also gone through great loss. She lost her baby at 24 weeks, due to a placental disease. I feel so immensely sad for her. But also this rather sick feeling of... envy? I know that's an AWFUL thing to say, as what she is going through I wouldn't wish on anyone.... but what she has, that I don't have, is closure. I know I can't live waiting for tomorrow, and have to enjoy today, and I am trying... but I can't help but wonder what tomorrow will bring.... and when will it come? Living with such a sense of not knowing... all the uncertainty, is quite overwhelming at times. Especially for me!

Mikayla has been a star today. She is eating so well. The only thing she seems to be battling with, other than her labored breathing from time to time, is that she seems to take forever to poo. And seems really uncomfortable until she does. I try massage her tummy, which does seem to help. I tell you, when she does poo.... it all comes out! She does only about 1 poo a day. Not sure if that is normal for bottle fed babies? I shall have to find out.

Am going to have a chat with a neurologist, to find out if he can tell at this stage how well or unwell Miks' brain is....

Shew! Am tired from this lack of sleep.... par for the course, I suppose :)