Day 29

Miks sleeping in her carry cot- her favourite place to sleep

Went with Miks, Russ and the boys to the market today. I had a couple people come look at the baby. It's fine when they simply comment on Mikayla; but when they ask questions, I have to explain (I cannot and will not lie)... and then people go from being happy, to feeling sorry for me. I hate people feeling sorry for me, and yet at the same time I hate it when people trivialise what we're going through.... I really am a tangle of emotions.... I should see someone about that... oh wait, I AM seeing someone about it :-) Ha Ha

Mickey was an absolute star last night! Had a feed at around 10:30pm, then at 3:30am, and then only woke up at 8am! Angel child! And didn't keep us up for hours on end when she was awake to feed.

She's a real particular little thing. She won't feed if she is full, or if she has a wind... she actually SPITS the food out her mouth! She also prefers to sleep where there is noise. Still doesn't mind sleeping in a bright light room; and it seems that the more noise the better. She actually falls asleep quite easily in a noisy room, whereas she fusses to get to sleep when I put her in her room. But she does do both.

It's so strange... tomorrow with be Day 30. Statistic number 2 of Trisomy 18 (Stat number 1 is that 50% of the 1 in 6000 babies that are conceived, only make it post birth. Stat number 2 is that 60% don't make it past 30 days!!). I am not sure how I feel about her reaching that little "milestone". I guess, in part, I should be celebrating... you know, a kind of "well, that will show them"... but suddenly we go into an even wider territory of the unknown. Because Stat number 3 is that 90% don't make it to their first birthday. That's 11 months of "maybe today"'s! Talk about testing my patience (sorry, that sounds crass, but what I simply mean is that I will have to wait for the unknown to BE... and that's a real trying thing for me, being the impatient person that I am).

Was checking on FB tonight, and a friend of mine, who's daughter was born the day before Mikayla, posted that her daughter smiled at her today. I am obviously thrilled for her. But will I ever see my daughter smile?? Possibly not. It makes me tremendously sad!!

And the thing that keeps striking me is how much I still want a child. The void I felt, that need to have another child, which made us "try" for Mikayla, hasn't passed. It is stronger than ever. Does that make me a horrible mother? That even though my child is born, I am still desiring a child... a healthy child? And what happens if we do have another child? What if Miks lives to prepubescent years? I will have two babies to look after? That scares me a little... but I cannot get away from this feeling... it is all consuming!

Luke cuddling Miks on the couch