What a mad day! The second day today that I didn't have someone come help me in the house.... two DIFFERENT maids telling me on two CONSECUTIVE days that they cannot come to work!! Seriously... I am having a sense of humor failure of note! I know it's a small thing... but when will my bad "luck" run out??! When will things start looking UP for me. I look around and everyone else seems to have everything going just fine in their lives! What's so wrong with me? Do I have "hit me" written on my forehead?? I feel like the scapegoat for bad things.... I know, I know, I sound like I am on a major pity party... but, well, I just want something in my life to be RIGHT. A little tiny glimmer of pure unadulterated-happy-me moments! Really, is that too much to ask?
I sometimes find myself, like a scary moment yesterday in the toiletry lane in SuperSpar, just staring at nothing, wondering how it is I got to this place. Er, in my life, that is, not the toiletry lane. Everyone else is just so, well, normal. How does life just go on so normally? Do people look at me and think "shame, she's the one with that child with the disorder". Is that how I will always be remembered? Please don't get me wrong... I am NOT ashamed of Mikayla, or her condition. I love her. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing will change that. Ever. I do, of course, wish she was whole.. but I wish that for HER, more than for me. It just all seems so unnatural. So wrong. I keep thinking this can't actually be happening. And yet it is.
Mikayla was fairly well today. Hasn't wanted to be left in her bed to sleep. Seems to want to be held a bit more, and loving hanging over my shoulder as opposed to lying in my arms. She fusses as if she is hungry, but spits out her food like mad. Poor little thing.
It's weird... I watch her, and there are moments when she is so LUCID. She seems so completely normal in those moments. It's like, just for a few moments, any breakdown of communication is fixed. I imagine the ends of two electric wires touching, just for a moment, so that the electricity passes through, and then the wires move apart, and the light goes out... and she looks, so... well... sick.
Oh, Tat, I can see that the mountain is getting harder and harder to climb. Praying so much and this morning we were praying for you at AE. Please let me know if you want me to come down at all and help you. I'm happy to take a couple of days leave.
ReplyDeleteLove you all and long for you to wake up with joy in your heart and an excitement for your new day.
Miks Hi Tat, I sent this the other day but it landed in MY IN BOX!!! It's very hard for some over 60's to learn all this new technology! Just thought I'd forward it to you, even though a few days old. Hope you received my other comment about the race the other day. Wrote it twice because lost it the first time round - hope didn't lose it again.
ReplyDeleteHi Tat, I was concerned that Miks might catch the gastric bug from the boys, especially as Josh seemed to have quite a dose of it. Praise the Lord that it was just a "baby vomit". Her little tummy must get to a saturation point with nothing coming out the other end, either that or she is digesting the formula well and with only taking in smaller feeds than she should be, using most of it up and not much going to waste. I can see that this is all so mind absorbing for you and praying this morning that you will find time for Tat - a time to be able to enjoy and focus on what you are doing - whether it be work, with friends, with Russ, taking the boys for lunch or just getting down to some photography. I know that there is no opportunity at the moment for an outlet, other than little Miks and with the boys on holiday, you will be really busy. Please shout if you would like me to take a couple of days off here and there and come down to help out. Love you and praying for you.
Hi Taryn,
ReplyDeleteI'm the lady standing opposite you in the toiletries lane thinking to myself:
"Wow, look at that amazing young woman with the beautiful baby daughter. I know she's going through the toughest time ever in her life, but look how totally incredibly she's handling it. She's brave and open and God is doing a huge work in her life and the life of her family. She's brave enough to take on this tough, tough task and show the world just what a believer can do when they trust God. And what a beautiful baby. See how she thrives on the love of her family. See how contented she is in spite of all her problems. That's a testament to the strength, love and blessing that is pouring out of her mother's heart and into hers." You're doing amazingly Taryn and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I know it's hard, but God is your strength and we are praying for you every day. Hang in there, keep writing and keep loving your little Mikayla. As hard as this is, I know you can get through it with God's help. Isaiah 41: 10 + 11. All blessings