Day 30

Seriously sleepy Jo today, my little Mikayla

Well, we made it to "milestone" (aka statistic) number 2! Mikayla is well. Lugged her off to church with us this morning. She was quite awake when we arrived, and eventually fell asleep during worship. It amazes me that all these little babies fall asleep during worship... we practically took the roof off... can't say I could sleep through that racket!

Dyl spoke this morning on God's plans for our lives. And the long and short of it is that we need to keep that perspective... that GOD has a plan. And that it is BIGGER than us. But, as He promised in Jeremiah, it is to PROSPER us and give us a HOPE and a FUTURE. Never has that promise been more hopeful to me.... I have to grasp onto any hope I can during the hard times... what else do I have? Then, a girl I had never met before, came up to me in church and said that she felt God saying to her during worship that His words from Psalm 30 were for me. And that she felt that I had a heart for worship or something. I can't remember everything she said, but it was very encouraging. And what a nice couple. Hope to spend more time with them in the future :). I know it's really hard to put yourself out there when God shares with you... it takes trust in Him.... really, MORE of Him and less of us. And we're so introspective, us humans. So me-focused. So good on her for having the guts.

Mikayla was super sleepy after church today.... just seemed to be sleeping the day away. I was feeding her at lunch time, and she had quite the possett on me.... so I gave her a little sarcastic "thanks Mikayla"... and Josh, all indignant, says to me... "don't be mean to Mikayla, mommy"... the ever protective big brother! Man, I have seen such a soft side to him since Mikayla entered the world. It's too cute! The boys played beautifully today. Had to capture some pics of them too.... I am so desperate to get snapping away more... need more models :-)

Seriously, how mischievous is this face??!

My big boy!

And Psalm 30 goes like this:
¹ I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me. You refused to let my enemies triumph over me. ² O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you restored my health. ³ You brought me up from the grave,^a]">[a] O Lord. You kept me from falling into the pit of death.

⁴ Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
Praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

⁶ When I was prosperous, I said,
“Nothing can stop me now!”
⁷ Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.

⁸ I cried out to you, O Lord.
I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
⁹ “What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
¹⁰ Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”

¹¹ You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
¹² that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

I guess that's sometimes what I feel... like God has turned away from me. That while I was praising him for the gift of my baby girl while she was in my womb, that I while I was so grateful that He fulfilled what I believed to be a promise from Him, that while I was so thankful that all our tests had come back all clear; that, in fact, He knew something was wrong... that I was living in blissful ignorance and the reality that then hit me like a run away train was so mortifying not only because of what it was, but also because I felt that He had deserted me. While I was clinging so hard onto Him, He ditched me at the 11th hour! That has been one of the hardest disappointments to deal with... that feeling of being let down. I know God's character isn't such. That He is a good God. That He keeps His promises.

But what then, about my baby girl? What about that vision I had for a beautiful little girl? I SAW her. She was standing... about 3 years old. Wearing a little frock. Blonde hair in a bob, with a gorgeous little fringe. Blueish eyes. She was MINE. I had never felt something so certain... but I was so scared to BELIEVE. Is that because my vision was a lie? Because the reality is that Mikayla CANNOT ever be that child. Hope as I may that she would be. I was so excited when we discovered Mikayla was a girl, because I finally felt like God DOES talk to me... not just all those other spiritual people out there.... that yes, HE SPEAKS TO ME! But all that has been shattered! I have had a few people tell me things that they believe God is saying to me through them... but I so desire that God would speak TO me... and now I am not so sure He ever has, or ever will? A sad sad thing....