Day 46

The Truth about Trust

Here's the thing about trusting someone: trust is self sacrificial. There isn't a huge self benefit to trusting someone. Ultimately, you are giving a piece of yourself to that person that you trust. You are saying "okay, I am going to accept, without knowing, that you will not intentionally hurt me, and that what you say is true and good, and what you do you will always do with me in mind, with the intention of honoring and loving me". And that's why betrayal hurts so much. It's that fact that you have had something taken from you in that betrayal.

On my side, I am having to trust in God. Trust in His plan, and believe that ultimately there is good in this. The hard part is not knowing if there will be good in it FOR ME. I can see how Mikayla's condition could benefit the greater good. I have seen already how it has moved people to love and care. To go out of their way for a complete stranger. I can see the good there. I really can. But I have yet to see the good FOR ME. Maybe part of what God will teach me, is that ultimately I have to trust in Him. And that perhaps part of trust is hoping. I guess that in some way when you trust in someone, on some level it's simply a matter of hoping for the greater good in that trust? In that person.

I know God is good. I know that. I know that His character says that He doens't create sickness and disease, and that He loves us. We are His children. But on the days when I am hurting... and I mean, REALLY HURTING, I cannot understand why my Father in heaven would allow me to hurt like this. And in that moment, I succumb to the negative, and in doing so, I let go of my hope. I guess that trust is a choice. And by trusting Him, I am choosing not to see what I am living in, for what it is, but rather hoping in what it could be- whether I know what that is or not. But I admit, it's really hard sometimes when you're in the thick of it, to actually see through the fog. In those moments, I want to be able to fast forward, to where I can see the whole picture; but then, perhaps, as someone shared with me, that wouldn't be the point: after all, you can rush a butterfly out of the cocoon by cutting the cocoon open, but the butterfly wouldn't come out beautiful and strong and whole, without the struggle of getting out of the cocoon.

Mikayla had her paed appointment today. She has put on weight, and that's all we know. She now weighs 2.96kg. Nearly nearly 3kg! I was kindly given a whole box of Infatrini... my oh my but my daughter loves this formula! What the paed also said we need to decide is whether or not we want to take Miks for another scan with the cardiologist, to see if her ASD and PDA have closed up, and to also check if she has developed pulmonary pressure, which could cause heart failure of the right ventricle (left ventricle is the common heart failure). She described what the symptoms were, but rather than give my words, this is the Wikipedia description:

Backward failure of the right ventricle leads to congestion of systemic capillaries. This generates excess fluid accumulation in the body. This causes swelling under the skin (termed peripheral edema or anasarca) and usually affects the dependent parts of the body first (causing foot and ankle swelling in people who are standing up, and sacral edema in people who are predominantly lying down). Nocturia (frequent nighttime urination) may occur when fluid from the legs is returned to the bloodstream while lying down at night. In progressively severe cases, ascites (fluid accumulation in the abdominal cavity causing swelling) and hepatomegaly (enlargement of the liver) may develop. Significant liver congestion may result in impaired liver function, and jaundice and even coagulopathy (problems of decreased blood clotting) may occur.

Note: heat failure is not the same as heart attacks etc..

Otherwise the appointment was fine. Miks herself had a good day. She was a star in the evening. We had her on Infatrini. With the Infatrini, she finishes her bottles, or leaves only a tiny bit, which means she is drinking up to 75ml a feed. The great part is that she went for 5-6 hours between feed during the night... which is great cos we're getting more sleep.

And we've started our packing... only 1 week to go til we move back home (only 7kms away, but still REALLY exciting!!)