Having been terrified of the weekend, as Russ was away, and I thought Miks was going to give me a real hard time (which would've been just my luck!), Mikayla proved me really wrong, and had two really good evenings on Friday and Saturday night. I was ever hopeful that we had turned a slight corner- she even seems to be putting on a little bit of weight...and then last night struck! I couldn't believe it: she was awake every 3 hours! I had to do all the feeds, as Russ had to fly down to PE to fetch a car, which he then has to drive 1000km back home, so I didn't want him to be too tired. And then today she is terribly unhappy again... doesn't want to feed- and is not at all smiley. I am really hoping this dietitian will help us somehow!
I have to say, one of the funniest little things Miks does at the moment: is how she frowns at me. Sometimes (like today), she's so serious, and when I talk to her, she crinkles up her little brow and frowns at me. It really is cute! And we (3 of us) were all gathered around talking to her this morning, and she was looking from one person to the next to the next.... as if sussing us all out.... I managed to get one little smile out of her... but nothing major. She's obviously not feeling so well. I was actually worried she was running a temperature today, as she felt hot (and it's a cold day, so it's not fro the outside temp)... but I measured her temp, and it was quite fine at 37C (her temp averages around 37.5, so I don't tend to take notice of anything under 38 or so).
I keep wondering: how is it that some people just seem to have a blissful sail through life with never a trouble in the world? They never seem to have to struggle for things... they never seem to have to endure any kind of suffering whatsoever. They get the good jobs, the nice pay, and never seem to have to struggle to get there. Why is it, quite frankly, that seem people just seem so incessantly LUCKY.... I feel like the unluckiest person in the world. Don't get me wrong: this isn't a pity party... and I'm no fool: I know have been very blessed in so many ways.. I know, like I know, that I have SO MUCH more than some, but still, some people are just downright lucky. Why? And then why are some just so UNLUCKY? And I know there are people way worse... WAY worse off than me (I mean, to put in into perspective... we've had a rather unfortunate year this last year, but even then, actually I can still count my blessings!!). Are we born one or the other? Why does God answer some prayers and not others? Have I done something wrong? Isn't He listening? Or is He?
I'm waffling, I know this!
I have to end by saying this: as much as "lady luck" hasn't become me in the last year: I am VERY thankful for the blessings I do have. I realise that were it not for God's blessings we wouldn't have any of the blessings that we have... I just keep hoping that I'll turn my corner. That we'd be examples of God's graciousness, greatness... of His miracles!! Isn't that silly? After everything, of course I still hope in God. And I still believe He can change everything for the good.... I still hope that He will answer me.. someday... somehow....
Sometimes I worry about how we'll cope if Mikayla stops fighting her fight? But, as I said to someone yesterday, and as the saying goes: "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"
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