Friday, September 2, 2011

Days 469 - 483 Reflection and Perspective

I've been thinking alot lately about how far we've come. Not sure why. But I think perhaps it gives some perspective to the "now", when you stop and consider "then". 
Mikayla was born and we were given weeks, nay, days of possibly being with her. But the days become weeks, and the weeks months, and the months years! But it's not just time. The early days were hard. Really hard. I guess I need to remember that as Miks starts to frequent hospitals more often, something that wasn't an issue before... The perspective is that in those dark early days there were some really hard moments. The apneas. You cannot begin to know what it feels like to hold your limp, purple baby in your arms, to breathe life into her, to shake her just to get the life to come back into her eyes. Or what it feels like to hold a baby that won't stop crying... For eight hours solid, and with no means to comfort her. To hold you emaciated child wondering if she's starving to death.
I'm sorry, I am painting a bleak picture... But here's the important part: we came out the other side. And in those dark days there was also much joy. There were the obvious ones: the smile around 6 months. The age milestones. The reaching out to touch things.  But there were others: the softness of her skin. The sparkle in her eye. Watching her gain weight, and actually get chubby! Smiling at her brothers. Dancing together to our special song. All simple innocuous moments that make up a life. Those are what memories are built on... All those innocuous moments.
As I sit here next to your hospital bed, Miks, watching your O2 levels rise and fall, with the red beep every time it drops below acceptable levels. As I hear the suctioning of the machine as the physio sucks out all the mucous build up, as i hear the bubble bubble of the oxygen machine, as I watch the soft rise and fall of your chest, and wonder how it is that for 14 months you barely went to the doctor, and yet in the last two months you have been hospitiliised THREE times, and I wonder if this is how our lives are going to be? Endless hospital visits? As I sit here, I think it's important to reflect on how far we've come. How far you've come! What we have survived, what YOU have survived. 
And also to take a moment to be humbly grateful for all that we have had so far.

I have often said how hard it was when you first entered this world, because the daughter I was expecting was robbed from me. And that feeling of loss was so enormous. Like a thief in the night, all my joy, hope and happiness was taken from me. But I've been thinking about this a lot, and, well, something cannot be stolen from you that you don't actually have. In my head I had a "normal" baby girl. But I never actually had her... So how could she have been "taken from me". It doesn't change the sense of loss, but perhaps I need to take in cognizance that what I have is what I always had, but just didn't know it. And every now and again I need to step back and recognize that the wonder of that may just exceed the loss. 

Little Caleb passed away this week. It's been really moving to witness all the people that that beautiful child has touched and the impact his short 29 months have brought. How can we not be thankful for his life? And so it is, Miks, that I am thankful for yours, and thankful that today. Right now. You are here with me. And that really is a blessing. Even in the hard times.

Mikayla has been in hospital since Monday. She has pneumonia. Although not bad, they are battling to wean her off the oxygen. She is sleeping most of the time, and obviously unhappy. I am finding a lot of the nursing staff either rough with her, or completely uninterested. It upsets me immensely having to have her there all the time... I have to be home to breastfeed Jude. I was hoping she'd be home today.... But I guess we'll have to see what tomorrow brings! Just want to see my sweet girl smile again.

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