What a mad day! The second day today that I didn't have someone come help me in the house.... two DIFFERENT maids telling me on two CONSECUTIVE days that they cannot come to work!! Seriously... I am having a sense of humor failure of note! I know it's a small thing... but when will my bad "luck" run out??! When will things start looking UP for me. I look around and everyone else seems to have everything going just fine in their lives! What's so wrong with me? Do I have "hit me" written on my forehead?? I feel like the scapegoat for bad things.... I know, I know, I sound like I am on a major pity party... but, well, I just want something in my life to be RIGHT. A little tiny glimmer of pure unadulterated-happy-me moments! Really, is that too much to ask?
I sometimes find myself, like a scary moment yesterday in the toiletry lane in SuperSpar, just staring at nothing, wondering how it is I got to this place. Er, in my life, that is, not the toiletry lane. Everyone else is just so, well, normal. How does life just go on so normally? Do people look at me and think "shame, she's the one with that child with the disorder". Is that how I will always be remembered? Please don't get me wrong... I am NOT ashamed of Mikayla, or her condition. I love her. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing will change that. Ever. I do, of course, wish she was whole.. but I wish that for HER, more than for me. It just all seems so unnatural. So wrong. I keep thinking this can't actually be happening. And yet it is.
Mikayla was fairly well today. Hasn't wanted to be left in her bed to sleep. Seems to want to be held a bit more, and loving hanging over my shoulder as opposed to lying in my arms. She fusses as if she is hungry, but spits out her food like mad. Poor little thing.
It's weird... I watch her, and there are moments when she is so LUCID. She seems so completely normal in those moments. It's like, just for a few moments, any breakdown of communication is fixed. I imagine the ends of two electric wires touching, just for a moment, so that the electricity passes through, and then the wires move apart, and the light goes out... and she looks, so... well... sick.